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Hello, Goodbye 2021

Donna Hutcherson

‘To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven” -Ecclesiastes 3:1 NKJV

Although I have not posted an entry in 2021 until today, my desire to encourage caregivers resurfaced early this year as their needs again came front and center to my attention. Doors opened to compile a book of my caregiving journey and I became personally acquainted with a publisher who would assist me with the entire process. Praise God! Then the work started…and continues.

The book quickly became three books and the first is nearly finished. That being said, the caregiver’s need for immediate help is urgent and more individuals find themselves in need for answers/encouragement/support every day.

So, in closing out 2021, I share a list of practical ideas for those in a caregiving/co-survivor position. Even those who have long-term experience in care benefit from reminders/reviews as none of us can juggle all the plates without dropping some. Be encouraged…simplify and slow down. You only need the next step…then the next…and the next, one at a time. And breathe, pray, rest, repeat.

Excerpt from my forthcoming book:
There is SO much I wish I knew then. So I share a few practical helps now from what I’ve learned since, in no particular order, simply for you to consider as soon as possible. This is in no way medical advice, simply lessons learned from a caregiving life. And, of course, every situation and person is unique so you must consider what could work in your caregiving:

  • A traumatic brain injury, including stroke or concussion causes the brain to swell so any part that is affected by the event can provoke behavior, thinking and speech that is highly abnormal for that individual, but they personally are not likely to realize it at first.
  • Brain energy is quickly depleted due to much energy being used for the healing process.
  • Any type of stimulation can quickly become overwhelming, especially sight and light. We later learned from a vision therapist that 70% of brain energy is directed to sight and light…through the eyes. Therefore, a “brain break” with a blackout eye mask for 20 minutes or so gives the brain the best rest – no sight or light; quiet helps as well. Look for signs of anxiety or tiredness and take a brain break immediately. This can be done on a regular basis almost anytime in the hospital…and later in the car or at home. Keep a good eye mask with you everywhere and keep a watchful eye out for when a brain break is needed.
  • Consider how you would like to be treated if in this traumatic situation yourself. The reality can sometimes be that you would want those helping you to make the best possible decision when you are not able to, hard though that may be for you as a caregiver.
  • Kindness and consideration are always helpful.
  • Simplify decisions. Give choices of either/or, applesauce or yogurt, eggs or oatmeal, red or yellow; not “what do you want to eat?”
  • Take things slowly; pause when needed; take deep breaths and encourage them to as well.
  • PRESENCE is IMPORTANT, peaceful presence. Just being there, knowing someone cares and they are not alone is very calming and promotes healing. Anything anxiety-producing causes energy to be spent on the anxiety instead of on healing.
  • If touch is not painful or anxiety-producing, skin to skin contact can be a comfort: holding hands, touching the arm or leg, hand on the brow. Also consider cool or warm cloth on the forehead or eyes, brushing hair, lightly massaging hands/arms/legs/feet
  • Play familiar or calming music, music they like, and encourage singing or humming. Even humming stimulates the vagus nerve that works directly with the vital organs. Individuals can often hum or sing to some degree even if they can’t speak.
  • Consider beauty and order and how it can help with visual calming, especially in an unfamiliar place.
  • Bring printed copies/pictures of individual family members, favorite people and pets to display on a wall that they can see from their bed. If speech is impaired, put an identifying/relationship name under each photo so others in the room can converse about the pictures and relationships.
  • Speak life/truth/hope aloud. Positive statements or happenings. Laugh! Collect jokes and read them aloud. Watch funny videos or comedy routines, old or new.
  • Verbalize things you are thankful for and encourage them to do so. Every day. Consider keeping a thankfulness/gratitude journal – daily list just 3 things for which you can be thankful; that way you can review it with them anytime blessings need to be counted.
  • Give the gift of anticipation, something to look forward to: food from outside the hospital, phone call/FaceTime with a friend, going outisde on a sunny day, new pictures.
  • Prepare for rehab/restoration to be a marathon, not a 5K, as it takes time for the brain swelling to subside, for connections to be restored, and/or new neural pathways to form. But the brain is always changing…which always brings hope.

Father, You are the answer to our every need. You are THE Source of all. I trust you to lead us and show us all the next step. Remind us to lean in to hear Your voice, to quiet ourselves to be able to discern Truth, and to receive Your peace that passes our understanding, that we might have a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV)

SONG LINK:
The Byrds “Turn, Turn, Turn”

https://youtu.be/WB6jhbtDUZE

 I Need Your Help😊

Donna Hutcherson

Where do we go from here to help caregivers?

Well, I’ve had much time to ponder and listen for the next steps to support caregivers. And I’m asking the experts for their insights and advice – that’s YOU! Whether you’ve been a caregiver or support those in that role, your life experience matters so let’s use it together to help others. Since I’m not adept at the wonders of social media, I’m giving you the survey questions right here and asking that you email your responses to me at encouragementforcaregivers@gmail.com; that will keep things from getting confusing on this page. I’ll give a synopsis of your responses to the group once they’re compiled. Thank you in advance.

  1. What do you consider to be a caregiver’s greatest needs?
  2. In considering a Zoom session of 40 minutes for caregivers:

a. Would that interest you? ___Yes ___No ___Not right now ___When?

b. What time of day? ___9-11AM ___2-4 afternoon ___7-9PM

c. What time zone are you in?

d. What questions would you like to have discussed?

e. What topics would you like to see covered?

Please remember to email your answers and to include your name! THANK YOU🙂💕💐

Romjul

Donna Hutcherson

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28 NKJV

In recent years I’ve learned the Danish term “hygge” and have great appreciation for creating coziness when the weather is not cozy. Although I’ve lived in SW Florida since I was ten, the snow belt of the NY Lake Ontario coast was the first coast I knew with it’s blizzards, snowdrifts and grey days; shaking off the cold as you welcome the warmth of the indoors. Creating and enjoying a warm atmosphere brings to mind fireplaces, candle glow, steaming mugs of hot drinks or soups, warm socks, reading books under piles of blankets – you get the idea.

This year I learned that in Norway, the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day is called “Romjul” – around Yule/Christmas. Consider it space to create and recreate after the holiday doings and before stepping into 2022, time to pause, reconsider, just chill and slow down enough to dream again and plan a little. I’ve settled into this space and let it reenergize me, adjust my focus and take time to allow a settling and reset before embarking on the new year with a fresh start.

We’re just a few hours away from 2022 yet most of us have a few hours of space this weekend to experience Romjul before truly embarking into the new year. I encourage you to find some space and settle in, breathe deeply. Then take a few moments to consider those around you, express your thankfulness (no matter if it can only be for the little things), give of yourself – your time, your attention, your love. Our lives can change in the timespan of a heartbeat, truly – one heartbeat. It happened to our family; we were totally turned upside down. What will rock your world? Maybe something already has and you’re reeling from it. In the midst of that life-storm, God knows; He’s “got this.” His plans for us do not end as we are hurt or suffer, as our bodies decline nor as they pass away, rather His plans for us extend into and throughout eternity. We’ve only just begun. You’ve likely heard, “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”. Take a moment today to reflect on the gift of today and to be a gift by being “present” with those around you. It will be well worth your time.

Father, we cherish times of rest and reflection. Help us to open ourselves to receiving Your refreshing, Your rest, and the comfort from Holy Spirit, that we may be able to comfort those who are troubled. (2 Corinthians 1:4 NKJV)

SONG LINK:
John Williams “Hogwart’s Great Hall Compilation”

https://youtu.be/_v4cgUVBsi4

Life’s Surprises

Donna Hutcherson

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10 NIV

I LOVE lilacs! From the time I was a child in upstate New York, they have been a favorite flower…and a favorite scent. However, living in Florida since the age of ten, opportunities to enjoy them have been rare. One of my favorite surprises in the year after Dale passed was “happening upon” flowering lilac bushes in two completely different places, both far from home – Helsinki, Finland, and the mountains of Colorado. I was momentarily speechless, awestruck in both situations and felt SO lovingly cared for by my Heavenly Father who knows me completely to the depths of my being. Blessed!

Conversely, I’ve also experienced traumatic surprises that rocked my world, the most life-altering being Dale’s sudden massive stroke. Other unforeseen occasions involved me in the devastating situations of loved ones. Did God lovingly care for me then? Was I blessed? Hard questions…and I have to admit that in the moment my immediate reactions didn’t include feelings of being blessed and loved. Critical needs required quick action and set in motion urgent care and immediate decisions. The instant and automatic prayer I cried out was “Jesus!” and “Help!” Thankfully always near, He heard and He helped.

Eventually in the aftermath of crises, realization of those answered prayers surfaced in my mind. Jesus was right there in the midst with me; MY SITUATION WAS NO SURPRISE TO HIM. Help came in time for each next step. When I did find moments to reflect, to quiet myself and to draw near to God alone, the answers to those awful questions were YES.

Yes, God was lovingly caring for me then.

And, yes, I was blessed. I was still in the palm of His hand, His presence was nearer than my breath, and His Holy Spirit was guiding, leading and comforting me through every thought and decision.

The Word tells us in John 10: 1-5 that His sheep hear His voice and don’t listen to the voice of a stranger. I am grateful to have practiced listening to God’s voice for many years, decades in fact. Countless distracting voices clamor for our attention at every turn and we must practice recognizing the familiar voice of God in that same way we learn to recognize the voice of a loved one over the phone. I always need to hear His voice, but never more than when I am shaken to the core of my being with my face pressed against a wall of the unknown. Never more than in life’s surprises am I grateful for my Saviour, my Deliverer, the Lover of my Soul – Jesus, Yeshua, Messiah, Lord of all.

Father, without You we can do nothing, not even breathe. Thank you for upholding us in times of great trial. You comfort, lead, guide, refresh in the midst of traumatic surprises and bless us through your pleasant surprises, showing the depth of your love for us. I praise You for Your plans and for Your keeping power. (John 15:5 NKJV)

SONG LINK:
Ryan Stevenson “The Eye of the Storm”
https://youtu.be/-sx8wTnnfSc

ALONE?

Donna Hutcherson

“It is not good for the man to be alone“ –Genesis 2:18 NIV

Quarantine. How strange to find ourselves in this situation! Right now so many of all ages are ALONE in their home most of the day. If you live alone, you have to make a concerted effort to socialize, to hear a “live” person, not just a live TV show. How odd for us all, yet this is exactly the plight of many caregivers. They can be totally ALONE while bearing the entire responsibility of caring for a loved one. If the one receiving care cannot talk for whatever reason, or is not awake or coherent for hours on end, the ALONE-ness can be very wearing.

Presently, because we are “safer at home” at the suggestion of others, multitudes of individuals who normally plow through their days, often multitasking and seemingly thriving on busyness, are now faced with the prospect of negative consequences: boredom, sadness, depression, overindulging in food or drink, etc. Without a schedule to follow, or a schoolbell to signal movement, millions are realizing the depth to which they depend on others. We don’t really want to be endlessly alone. Rightfully so – we are social beings, designed to be relational.

In the years that I took care of my husband Dale, I often faced being alone for hours or days on end. The strokes immediately left him with aphasia, and for the first 4 months, communication was so difficult that we chose to tackle it only as needed. Hospital stays were particularly long periods for me being alone in the midst of much activity. And later our years at home had many months of just the two of us in the household, with only limited communication so as not to frustrate or discourage Dale.

From this experience, it became evident that my social health needed to be addressed just as definitively as my physical, mental and spiritual health. It became more obvious that our whole being is integrated and works together for positive or negative outcomes. Part of my responsibility as a caregiver was developing ways to positively address social needs.

This led me to several specific actions that may be of help to you. First, develop the practice of thankfulness each day, even keeping a daily journal listing three things for which you are thankful (also see Count Your Blessings post). Second, realize that happiness is a choice; I choose to look for it in all circumstances. Third, do something for someone else “The Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” (Acts 20:35) In hospitals/rehab there was always someone who needed a smile, a little conversation and compassion. When alone at home, I could reach out through text and email most easily or handwrite notes to mail. And, finally, since JOY is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, spend time in God’s presence. “In your presence is fullness of joy.”(Psalm 16:11) As I focused outwardly, I found many opportunities to be engaged with others even when confined and am so thankful for technology that allows us to connect so readily.

In time, social needs became important to Dale as well so adjustments were made to that end. This need for socialization is what I want to stress to caregivers and their families. My family and extended family and friends were instrumental in our social well-being, being carefully observant of our needs, and suggesting/encouraging ways to stay connected. It is wise to involve your entire support team to help with this and be willing to receive from others.

Holy Spirit, we need Your help to maintain social health in times of confinement. We turn to you for insights, ideas and creativity to show us the way. (John 14:16 NIV)

SONG LINK:
Diana Ross “Reach Out and Touch”
https://youtu.be/sZlWLH8SiF8

Sweet Sleep

Donna Hutcherson

“When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet” -Proverbs 3:24 NIV

Ah-h-h, sleep. To “sleep like a baby.” Take a good look at the picture above, taken during the flooding from Hurricane Harvey in 2017 – the rescuer and woman focused on the water risen above car’s headlights. But the baby…at complete rest! This is the rest we seek, what our bodies need, to put all things aside and give way to sleep. But how can we do that in the midst of life’s storms? As a caregiver?

Vital for good health, our bodies were created with the need for sleep. It’s SO much more than physical rest. Sleep is essential for brain health, healing and tissue repair, immune system health, cardiovascular health and blood pressure, as well as hormonal function, appetite and breathing. In addition the time that we sleep provides emotional down time, freedom from stress and a rest for our senses, all of utmost importance to caregivers.

Much research has gone into the study of sleep with hundreds of articles written on the body’s need for sleep and how to prepare yourself to sleep well. Yet insomnia is a common complaint and concern for many. From my personal struggles as a caregiver, I learned that I needed to consider TRUST.

The Gospels tell us Jesus loved the little children, saying that the “kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14), even telling His disciples that “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Strong words…requiring CHANGE. I came face to face with this premise as I cared for Dale’s needs…mainly during times of great trauma for us both. The greater the need, the greater my inability to handle it myself. And I was faced with GREAT need, “in over my head” as the saying goes. In those dark times, the example of a little child pointed me to the next step…requiring CHANGE. For me to become like a little child, as pictured above, I had to completely put my TRUST in something/Someone greater than me, who loved me enough to take care of me. Just imagine if that little child was fighting the mother, maybe climbing on the man or throwing themselves around – only adding to the rescue problem. My challenge became to “take my hands off” and practice taking each unsolvable problem, each heartbreaking concern, each unanswered question to God, mentally and verbally turning it over to His care, even envisioning the transfer into His capable hands.

When little children bring a parent something to fix, they leave the item/problem with the parent…and go back to their playing. They don’t tell the parent how to accomplish each step…because they don’t know how! If I am to be “as a little child”, I HAVE TO CHANGE MY PRACTICES, take my hands off the problems, and wait for direction. When the next step is evident, I can move on it; when that next step is to sleep, I can yield my mind and body to rest because I’ve already yielded to God the things for which I need answers.

It’s a simple concept, yet not often developed quickly. Our habits are strong and we have to consistently practice thinking like a little child in order to put ourselves in that place. Even if we’re awakened in the middle of the night, the practice is the same, sometimes needing to talk out loud as we give Him the concerns at hand. He IS the faithful One, waiting for us to cast our cares upon Him and promising peace in the midst of trials.

I am thankful for the practices developed in me during those years, carrying me past fear, through grief and on into life adjustments. My rest was always sufficient, even if it came at odd times. Sweet sleep is His promise; He is our Refreshing. (Psalm 19:7+)

Father, help us to come to you as little children, trusting you to take care of all that concerns us in the right timing, and to yield our mind and body to Your rest, that we may rise up refreshed to do the next right thing. (John 14:26-7 NIV)

SONG LINK:
Twila Paris “Do I Trust You?”
https://youtu.be/OE91UU464NU

Whole Body Health

Donna Hutcherson

“And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man“ –Luke 2:52 NIV

Never has there been a time in our lives where the emphasis has been so strong on health. Contagions, hand washing, and compromised immune systems are a part of most conversations. For a caregiver, that has been the norm, the ever-present awareness of the health needs of our loved one or patient. If a caregiver also has a compromised immune system, the need is more than doubled. If the one needing care is highly impaired and totally dependent on the caregiver, health awareness peaks.

Humans are integrated beings, created in the image of God – divine design, as Dale used to teach. Psalm 139 reminds us that He formed our inward parts and has many precious thoughts toward us.

When Dale needed to be restored to total health and I needed to maintain my health in order to help him, it quickly became apparent that even with hospital care/help, I had to deal with health-sapping stress, overwhelming concerns, lack of good rest, etc. Since the Word notes that Jesus grew in four areas (His whole being), we implemented that Scriptural approach to health – considering our entire being, not just the area with damage or obvious need. With the advice and support of my family/counsel, we focused on: wisdom (mental), stature (physical), favor with God (spiritual) and favor with man (social).

I will detail each of the following areas in future posts, however I encourage you to address each of them as soon as possible…for your well-being:

  • sound sleep
  • best food choices
  • fresh air and sunshine
  • exercise/movement/touch
  • prayer and encouragement from the Word of God
  • music
  • humor

Holy Spirit, we need Your guidance to care for these bodies You created, no matter the circumstance we are in. Help us to discern what is best for our lives no matter the circumstance in which we find ourselves. (John 14:26-7 NIV)

SONG LINK:
Caleb & Kelsey “It is Well with My Soul”
https://youtu.be/VaxxtIxXKF0

Acquainted with Grief

Donna Hutcherson

“a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.”
–Isaiah 53:3 ESV

For the past few days my thoughts have often been with the many worldwide who have suddenly come into grief. Actually, there is ample reason to dwell on this daily due to ravages of illness, starvation, wars, assaults, abuse, depression, oppression, etc. Yet with the COVID-19 numbers confronting me everywhere I look, the grief that others are facing often comes to mind.

I have been acquainted with grief.

In 1982, grief abruptly intruded my life with the sudden death of my 57-year-old father-in-law. Since then I’ve been impacted countless times by the grief of intimate family and friends or moved by the grieving of casual acquaintances and, more surprisingly, even by those I don’t know at all.

For decades I have realized that grief affects each person uniquely. We cannot tell someone HOW to grieve. We CAN, however, give them space and encouragement to grieve – in whatever way they need. And the forms in which grief expresses itself are MANY, far too many to list here. Those who assist with grief, professional or personal, have developed a compassionate discernment, an acknowledgement, and often a permission, verbal or silent, for the grieving one to proceed when the need surfaces.

Then a few months ago, I came upon this phrase – “acquainted with grief“ – right after a poignant discussion of our family’s four post-stroke years with Dale. For the first time, I sensed that grief has made me more like Christ. Wow…a purpose for the pain, clarified in one Scriptural phrase. Significant for me. I desire to follow hard after God, a term not often used yet pregnant with meaning: when the following, the pursuit, is itself difficult but definitely worth the travail. And He does not leave us alone as we pursue Him, but graces us with help – His Presence, the example of His Son, and the guidance of Holy Spirit. Thus we are able to continue following Him even in the hard times…seemingly impossible when alone or feeling alone, but possible WITH Him – that His plan, His will, be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

I say YES to following hard after God, even though I become more and more acquainted with grief. It serves well to develop in me a depth of compassion and insight into pain and its purpose, causing me to focus once again on the eternal. Hallelujah! We are eternal beings and yet so easily caught up in the physical realm, needing promptings to realign us with eternal perspective. So I rest in grief, rest in God, and find that joy fills my being from the inside out as His rivers of living water pour forth and bring life in the midst of sorrow.

Father thank you for Your plan and for Your guidance in following Christ, leaving us an example, so that we might follow in His steps. Help us to keep our eyes on the eternal, our spirit, the only part of us that will last forever.
(I Peter 2:21 ESV)

Tenth Avenue North “Hold My Heart”
https://youtu.be/qEz2PsLJ-RI

Ponder

Donna Hutcherson

“Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”
–Luke 2:19 NIV

” Pondered them in her heart.” Not something we hear very often, yet right now, as our society goes through a “stay at home” time, many of us can take time to ponder, contemplate, mull things over. Upon hearing the shepherds’ report of what the angels said, the mother of Jesus took a moment aside; the past nine months had been cause for many overwhelming feelings! Many times in the busyness of life, I’ve felt God nudge me to take a moment, to slow down. As I practice this I find:
– I can quiet myself and put the “noise” aside
– my thinking becomes clearer
– more options surface for consideration
– I am more conscious of receiving His peace
– direction becomes more evident

Personally, I still associate the term ponder with with a friend from years ago who used that word regularly in our discussions. His familiar usage of that word consequently caused me to pause and think more carefully. I am SO grateful for that lesson! It is now my practice whenever I begin to feel anxiety, fear or a sense of overwhelming coming at me to step away to ponder, usually by myself (even only for a few moments and even in a bathroom). And now, I encourage you to ponder – contemplate, consider – especially before making important decisions. Every decision, every step determines the direction you take and is worth taking an extra moment of conscious thought.

Oh, Father, as feelings and cares of life try to overwhelm me, help me to cast me cares on You because You care for me.
(I Peter 5:7)

Chuck Girard “Slow Down”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUtXIho15mE

Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist

Donna Hutcherson

“For I am not seeking my own good but the good of the many…” -I Corinthians 10:33 NIV‘

When I first considered writing about caregiving, the TV pilot for “Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist” had not even aired. In fact, I didn’t hear about it until the first of March this year when on a text message, my sisters referred to the show with one of them saying “we didn’t think it would have been good at all for Donna”. WHAT!!! I was in on that text and immediately reacted, thinking “How can you say this isn’t good for me? I need to check this out”. Of course, knowing full well my sisters were concerned about my well-being, I spoke with them and found out they thought it could be too emotional for me.

Fast forward: I immediately watched the first 3 episodes the first chance I had! Poignant – yes; a few tearful times – yes; things with which I disagree – yes; a bit hard to watch the portrayal of Zoey’s beloved dad who is slowly dying from a neurological disease – yes; worth the emotional ups-and-downs – YES! First of all let me say I LOVE MUSIC and this show is filled with music and dance – through a very unique, innovative presentation. That I love! This show is definitely written for an audience younger than I am, however, it speaks directly to the generation/s who have parents who are caregivers or who are receiving help from caregivers. The show’s family relationships are rich and lovingly sensitive to the dad’s situation, and the insights the siblings gain about mom as caregiver are a much-needed dimension in today’s society. That is my reason for continuing to watch this show and why I will proffer that it is worth a try for any adult. Caregivers’ loads and needs are highly misunderstood and therefore often neglected. I am both amazed and grateful that Hollywood has taken this on as a topic to address publicly. Caregivers are not the focus of the show, though, and after the first 3 episodes, played a rather small part, but that could readily vary with any future episode. That being said, anyone who watches the show will at least have exposure to some reality of caregiving.

I am most thankful that my children had a grasp of the needs of caregivers as I found myself in that role. Our family and extended family have all taken care of their aging or ill parents, providing an example and an opportunity to naturally observe and learn about caregiving – the good, the bad, and the ugly. As I participated in the intermittent care of my own parents and mother-in-law, circumspect family conversations that later included my grandkids gave voice to concerns and possible ways to assist caregivers, giving them a measure of respite. Communication and careful observation are key in learning about and then maintaining caregiver health – mental, physical, emotional, and social. In that light, anyone watching “Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist” will have opportunity to gain from the observation of both the care and the caregiver as well as the ensuing communication.

Lord, you continue to amaze me at the resources You provide, even from unlikely sources. I pray blessings on those who write and produce and finance ” Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist”, for Your guidance as they go forward, and that You draw forth the audience who needs to learn about the needs of caregivers.

Chris Tomlin “Good, Good Father”
https://youtu.be/OfJrxvVnmkE