Tag: communication

ALONE?

Donna Hutcherson

“It is not good for the man to be alone“ –Genesis 2:18 NIV

Quarantine. How strange to find ourselves in this situation! Right now so many of all ages are ALONE in their home most of the day. If you live alone, you have to make a concerted effort to socialize, to hear a “live” person, not just a live TV show. How odd for us all, yet this is exactly the plight of many caregivers. They can be totally ALONE while bearing the entire responsibility of caring for a loved one. If the one receiving care cannot talk for whatever reason, or is not awake or coherent for hours on end, the ALONE-ness can be very wearing.

Presently, because we are “safer at home” at the suggestion of others, multitudes of individuals who normally plow through their days, often multitasking and seemingly thriving on busyness, are now faced with the prospect of negative consequences: boredom, sadness, depression, overindulging in food or drink, etc. Without a schedule to follow, or a schoolbell to signal movement, millions are realizing the depth to which they depend on others. We don’t really want to be endlessly alone. Rightfully so – we are social beings, designed to be relational.

In the years that I took care of my husband Dale, I often faced being alone for hours or days on end. The strokes immediately left him with aphasia, and for the first 4 months, communication was so difficult that we chose to tackle it only as needed. Hospital stays were particularly long periods for me being alone in the midst of much activity. And later our years at home had many months of just the two of us in the household, with only limited communication so as not to frustrate or discourage Dale.

From this experience, it became evident that my social health needed to be addressed just as definitively as my physical, mental and spiritual health. It became more obvious that our whole being is integrated and works together for positive or negative outcomes. Part of my responsibility as a caregiver was developing ways to positively address social needs.

This led me to several specific actions that may be of help to you. First, develop the practice of thankfulness each day, even keeping a daily journal listing three things for which you are thankful (also see Count Your Blessings post). Second, realize that happiness is a choice; I choose to look for it in all circumstances. Third, do something for someone else “The Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” (Acts 20:35) In hospitals/rehab there was always someone who needed a smile, a little conversation and compassion. When alone at home, I could reach out through text and email most easily or handwrite notes to mail. And, finally, since JOY is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, spend time in God’s presence. “In your presence is fullness of joy.”(Psalm 16:11) As I focused outwardly, I found many opportunities to be engaged with others even when confined and am so thankful for technology that allows us to connect so readily.

In time, social needs became important to Dale as well so adjustments were made to that end. This need for socialization is what I want to stress to caregivers and their families. My family and extended family and friends were instrumental in our social well-being, being carefully observant of our needs, and suggesting/encouraging ways to stay connected. It is wise to involve your entire support team to help with this and be willing to receive from others.

Holy Spirit, we need Your help to maintain social health in times of confinement. We turn to you for insights, ideas and creativity to show us the way. (John 14:16 NIV)

SONG LINK:
Diana Ross “Reach Out and Touch”
https://youtu.be/sZlWLH8SiF8

Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist

Donna Hutcherson

“For I am not seeking my own good but the good of the many…” -I Corinthians 10:33 NIV‘

When I first considered writing about caregiving, the TV pilot for “Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist” had not even aired. In fact, I didn’t hear about it until the first of March this year when on a text message, my sisters referred to the show with one of them saying “we didn’t think it would have been good at all for Donna”. WHAT!!! I was in on that text and immediately reacted, thinking “How can you say this isn’t good for me? I need to check this out”. Of course, knowing full well my sisters were concerned about my well-being, I spoke with them and found out they thought it could be too emotional for me.

Fast forward: I immediately watched the first 3 episodes the first chance I had! Poignant – yes; a few tearful times – yes; things with which I disagree – yes; a bit hard to watch the portrayal of Zoey’s beloved dad who is slowly dying from a neurological disease – yes; worth the emotional ups-and-downs – YES! First of all let me say I LOVE MUSIC and this show is filled with music and dance – through a very unique, innovative presentation. That I love! This show is definitely written for an audience younger than I am, however, it speaks directly to the generation/s who have parents who are caregivers or who are receiving help from caregivers. The show’s family relationships are rich and lovingly sensitive to the dad’s situation, and the insights the siblings gain about mom as caregiver are a much-needed dimension in today’s society. That is my reason for continuing to watch this show and why I will proffer that it is worth a try for any adult. Caregivers’ loads and needs are highly misunderstood and therefore often neglected. I am both amazed and grateful that Hollywood has taken this on as a topic to address publicly. Caregivers are not the focus of the show, though, and after the first 3 episodes, played a rather small part, but that could readily vary with any future episode. That being said, anyone who watches the show will at least have exposure to some reality of caregiving.

I am most thankful that my children had a grasp of the needs of caregivers as I found myself in that role. Our family and extended family have all taken care of their aging or ill parents, providing an example and an opportunity to naturally observe and learn about caregiving – the good, the bad, and the ugly. As I participated in the intermittent care of my own parents and mother-in-law, circumspect family conversations that later included my grandkids gave voice to concerns and possible ways to assist caregivers, giving them a measure of respite. Communication and careful observation are key in learning about and then maintaining caregiver health – mental, physical, emotional, and social. In that light, anyone watching “Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist” will have opportunity to gain from the observation of both the care and the caregiver as well as the ensuing communication.

Lord, you continue to amaze me at the resources You provide, even from unlikely sources. I pray blessings on those who write and produce and finance ” Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist”, for Your guidance as they go forward, and that You draw forth the audience who needs to learn about the needs of caregivers.

Chris Tomlin “Good, Good Father”
https://youtu.be/OfJrxvVnmkE

Forty Things

Donna Hutcherson

Important reference points for all who need care

In 2014 when my husband Dale had a massive stroke event, one of the first resources brought to my attention was Jill Bolte Taylor’s autobiographical book “My Stroke of Insight”. As she shared from her personal journey of recovery, the individuals she encountered often fell short of actually meeting her needs and many who cared simply had no knowledge of who do and how best to help her. The following list is one I’ve shared countless times with family, friends, and caregivers as reminders from which we all can benefit. Thank you, Jill, for this thoughtful compilation.

Forty Things I Needed the Most

  1. I am not stupid, I am wounded. Please respect me.
  2. Come close, speak slowly, and enunciate clearly.
  3. Repeat yourself – assume I know nothing and start from the beginning, over and over.
  4. Be as patient with me the 20th time you teach me something, as you were the first.
  5. Approach me with an open heart and slow your energy down. Take your time.
  6. Be aware of what your body language and facial expressions are communicating to me.
  7. Make eye contact with me. I am in here – come find me. Encourage me.
  8. Please don’t raise your voice – I’m not deaf, I’m wounded.
  9. Touch me appropriately and connect with me.
  10. Honor the healing power of sleep.
  11. Protect my energy. No talk radio, TV, or nervous visitors! Keep visitation brief (five minutes).
  12. Stimulate my brain when I have any energy to learn something new, but know that a small amount may wear me out quickly.
  13. Use age-appropriate (toddler) educational toys and books to teach me.
  14. Introduce me to the world kinesthetically. Let me feel everything. (I am an infant again.)
  15. Teach me with monkey-see, monkey-do behavior.
  16. Trust that I am trying – just not with your skill level or on your schedule.
  17. Ask me multiple-choice questions. Avoid Yes/No questions.
  18. Ask me questions with specific answers. Allow me time to hunt for an answer.
  19. Do not assess my cognitive ability by how fast I can think.
  20. Handle me gently, as you would handle a newborn.
  21. Speak to me directly, not about me to others.
  22. Cheer me on. Expect me to recover completely, even if it takes twenty years!
  23. Trust that my brain can always continue to learn.
  24. Break all actions down into smaller steps of action.
  25. Look for what obstacles prevent me from succeeding on a task.
  26. Clarify for me what the next level or step is so I know what I am working toward.
  27. Remember that I have to be proficient at one level of function before I can move on to the next level.
  28. Celebrate all of my little successes. They inspire me.
  29. Please don’t finish my sentences for me or fill in words I can’t find. I need to work my brain.
  30. If I can’t find an old file, make it a point to create a new one.
  31. I may want you to think I understand more than I really do.
  32. Focus on what I can do rather than bemoan what I cannot do.
  33. Introduce me to my old life. Don’t assume that because I cannot play like I used to play that I won’t continue to enjoy music or an instrument, etc.
  34. Remember that in the absence of some functions, I have gained other abilities.
  35. Keep me familiar with my family, friends, and loving support. Build a collage wall of cards and photos that I can see. Label them so I can review them.
  36. Call in the troops! Create a healing team for me. Send word out to everyone so they can send me love. Keep them abreast of my condition and ask them to do specific things to support me – like visualize me being able to swallow with ease or rocking my body up into a sitting position.
  37. Love me for who I am today. Don’t hold me to being the person I was before. I have a different brain now.
  38. Be protective of me but do not stand in the way of my progress.
  39. Show me old video footage of me doing things to remind me about how I spoke, walked, and gestured.
  40. Remember that my medications probably make me feel tired, as well as mask my ability to know what it feels like to be me.